I was stunned when my marriage fell apart. My ex and I worked together, shared parenting duties, and were best friends. Everything worked so well, I never questioned it. But although our marriage was a great partnership, it lacked intimacy, and that is a knife that cuts both ways. Experts say if you want to gauge the level of intimacy in your relationship, consider the amount of time you spend with a locked gaze. "Eye contact is absolutely essential to maintaining intimacy in a relationship," says clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist David Schnarch, PhD, author of Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships. "Even during sex." Aha. In our marriage, the sex was there, but we were often silent, and more telling, when face-to-face, our eyes were averted or closed. But there's more. "Men and women both need to know that hugging, kissing, and even fair fighting are just as important to maintaining intimacy," says New York–based marriage counselor Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of Financial Infidelity. Here is how you can improve intimacy.

Lock Lips A recent study conducted at Lafayette College found that kissing releases oxytocin (the neurochemical that makes you feel bonded) and decreases cortisol levels, so it may also reduce stress. Just keep it relatively clean in front of the kids.

Make Small Connections "Intimacy is established by the little things we do throughout the day," says Weil. This means cuddle up with her for a few minutes in bed, ring her from the office, or give her a kiss when you get home before saying hello.

Develop a Secret Code Remember when you first started dating and exchanged knowing looks in public? The looks that meant "I'm going to destroy you when we get home"? Re-create that excitement and anticipation by making up a secret symbol (like raising an eyebrow or tugging on your ear) and try it out next time you're at a party.

Open Your Eyes To be truly intimate, you need to look your partner in the eyes during sex. "There is an elegant process by which people sell themselves on the idea that sex is more romantic with the lights off," says Schnarch, "but that isn't the case. Eye contact usually denotes connection, and sex without it limits your intimacy."

Fight It Out "Couples who don't fight are usually the ones who have affairs," says Weil. "Conflict creates passion." Set aside a few minutes each week to vent your frustrations. Afterward, engage in "high-energy play" such as having sex or exercising together. "These activities produce endorphins and reconnect couples."